The greatest love and greatest fear
‘Magnificent and exceptional’ were the words that came to my mind when I first laid eyes on Paula Scher’s work. Anyone who knows anything about Graphic design knows the name ‘Paula Scher’. Her work is bold, expressive, well-balanced and downright phenomenal. Her work filled me with gleeful energy the moment I laid eyes on it. She was my door into the discipline of Graphic Design.
I had found my passion, but I didn’t have the resources to actualize it. The education system of my country is at best flawed and at worst a complete and irredeemable mess. And there are next to no opportunities for people who want to get a good Graphic Design education. So, I did what the people of my generation do in this situation. I turned to the internet. And the internet became my university for Graphic Design.
In the beginning, the white, empty screen was one of the worst terrifying things in the world. The white silence of the digital canvas would quiet down the ideas swirling in my head, forcing them back into the dark corners of my mind. An inexplicable fear kept me from doing anything in the beginning. I was just a passionate listener. For a long time, I listened and listened without ever opening Adobe Photoshop or Adobe illustrator. But, eventually, my passion for Graphic Design turned out to be greater than my fears. After about 4–6 months of watching YouTube videos and reading design books, I started designing. Over time my fear of the white, blank space started to face away. But, fears rarely go away. They linger behind, pushing their claws into a person’s soul. Fears wear new faces, but their bodies are always the same. And my fear of the blank white space slowly turned into a crippling disease of self-doubt and imposter syndrome. Self-critique leads to better work quality, is what I told myself. It was a big fat lie that was slowly nibbling away at my self-confidence.
I had fallen in love with Graphic Design the moment I started learning it. But, we became inseparable after I started my freelance work. I never wanted to do a job. I wanted as much freedom as possible to control all the different steps of the creative process. Every project felt like an adventure that filled me with excitement and joy but often drained my spirit. The projects were like puzzles, and I loved solving them. The creative space I was allowed to have due to my work as a Graphic Designer gave me a way to forget my life’s troubles for a little while. It was a refuge that sheltered me from the sun. And my work isn’t just about excitement, joy and fulfilment, but also about growth. It taught me to be a better communicator. Graphic Design taught me empathy. And the patience needed to practice that empathy with my clients and others in my life. I learned that the only way I could keep getting better at what I do was to keep growing as a human.
Over the years, I continued to grow as a Graphic designer and a human. The projects and the clients kept teaching and enriching me. But, my self-critique and imposter syndrome kept getting worse to a point it hindered me from taking projects. My mind was full of doubts. I saw mistakes where there weren’t any. And when depression slowly sneaked into my life, my love for Graphic Design slowly started to wither away as all things do in a psyche plagued by depression. It seemed like the melancholia, the crippling cold and the stygian darkness of depression had snuffed the fire of my passion for not just Graphic Design but all things in my heart. It’s hard to see hope, life, purpose and joy when depression takes hold of a heart and mind. But passion doesn’t die away. It may grow weak, but it still flickers. The things that make you feel alive don’t just wither away. One of the things that reignited joy and hope in my heart was Graphic Design. When your work is a significant part of your being and identity, it gives you the strength to push through the most difficult of times. I was suffering a silent agony, and Graphic Design gave me the outlet to express my pain.
I cannot imagine a life other than the life of a graphic designer. The joy and fulfilment of this creative field are unmatched. Graphic design has helped me in the darkest times of my life. And it is my greatest love and my greatest fear.
